[05 Aug 2009|12:29pm] [ mood | dirty ] i feel so sick to my fucking stomach. HOW COULD YOU. you told me you loved me for so long. so long. you said i was all you could ever want. all you could ever need. you fucking pathological liar. sleeping with us both at the same time. FOR A FUCKING YEAR. you're disgusting. you're such a pig. i feel so dirty. fuck. i fucking knew it. i KNEW it. and i believed your lies. everything that ever came out of your mouth was a LIE. i hope she never takes you back. you don't deserve happiness. post comment

[25 May 2009|02:45am] Treebonn: you are good at a lot of things oh that ellen: like? Treebonn: 1) keeping me company Treebonn: 2) laughing at my jokes Treebonn: 3) looking pretty Treebonn: 4) being a good buddy Treebonn: 5) eating ice cream? Treebonn: 6) you are a champion at being depressed haha oh that ellen: bleh oh that ellen: hahahahahah oh that ellen: thanks. Treebonn: you are welcome =) Treebonn: 7) you have a very pretty smile which is a talent since i wish mine looked better oh that ellen: lol aw thank you Treebonn: 8) you kicked ass at my quiz Treebonn: 9) you make great first impressions by telling me you would bang rondo Treebonn: thats 9 things you are great at oh that ellen: hahahahahahaha oh that ellen: yea im pretty awesome Treebonn: see i just needed to help you see that :) post comment

[18 May 2009|10:34pm] oh that ellen : lmao he made a myspace page for the butcher shop he wants to open mell liss aaa : someone might know abour it mell liss aaa : lol i wonder how far hell get oh that ellen : i hope he like miserably fails with it and lives home forever oh that ellen : and im a rich doctor and i drive by in my like oh that ellen : expensive car mell liss aaa : yeaaa ahaha oh that ellen : and hell be standing outside mckinnons dressed like a turkey mell liss aaa : wouldnt that be nice oh that ellen : cause thats what he does oh that ellen : and ill be like haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa oh that ellen : and ill have my equally rich husband oh that ellen : and like you and tiffany in the backseat mell liss aaa : yes oh that ellen : and we can all just point and laugh mell liss aaa : with my puppy mell liss aaa : beause i may not have a husband oh that ellen : yay that mental picture just made me really happy mell liss aaa : but ill have a puppy oh that ellen : we'll all have mad puppies oh that ellen : and we can be like HA WE HAVE PUPPIES YOU DONT this is why i love my friends post comment

[29 Apr 2009|03:37am] I really don't know why I still feel like this. Every time I think it goes away, it comes right back and slaps me in the face. It pushes me back down, even more forcefully than the time before it. It's like a roller coaster, but it never has an end. I have every reason in the world to hate you, every single reason. I listed 2 pages of reasons. You ruined me, you ruined my life, you ruined my outlook. You lied, cheated, manipulated, and tricked me in so many ways. You left me for a 17 year old, someone who works for you. Someone not even out of high school yet. Someone you promised, you swore was only your friend. And I still feel like this. I still dream about you, nearly every night. I'm still holding on to everything that you've since forgotten. I'm so broken. I'm so scared of forgetting how your voice sounds. I'm scared of forgetting how you smell. I'm scared of forgetting how soft your skin is, the way it felt when you held me, and the way I felt when I looked at you. I'm scared of forgetting how it felt to lose my breath when you walked in, because i was so overcome with emotion that I actually couldn't handle it. I'm scared of forgetting the color your eyes turned in the sun, the way you would squeeze my hand when we said goodbye. I'm scared of forgetting you, forgetting us. I'm so terrified of losing you, even though I've already lost everything. I don't know why I do this to myself. 3 comments|post comment

[15 Mar 2009|07:14pm] It's really weird having someone so close to your age die, even if you didn't really know them well. Even if I haven't seen him in years and years, I'm just so in shock. I don't even really know how to react to it. I've never experienced the death of a younger person. I've had friends lose friends, and all of that, but it's never happened to anyone I know. It just makes shows me so much more that it could happen to anyone, at any time. It's scary. RIP Joey. You're in a better place now. post comment

[05 Feb 2009|03:19pm] this is what ellen has learned thus far this year: being replaced is the most painful feeling in the world. especially when youre still lost in the mess of everything else that has happened, because it all comes at you so quick. what do you do when you feel like you've had your entire life taken away from you? when you find out that you were completely wrong about the one thing in your life you thought that you were so sure of? when you find out how much people have been keeping from you, how much you've been lied to, how much you've been kept in the dark? when it feels like youve just had the rug pulled out from underneath you, and you feel so completely lost, so completely broken and empty and alone, so worthless and disposable and replaced, that you dont even know how to push yourself back up again? what do you do? i keep telling myself that he's happy. and that is what i've wanted from day one. i knew from the moment i first saw him, that he was special, he was different, he deserved the world. he should have everything, because he deserved it. i tried so hard to give him that, but i still couldnt make him happy. and now, she does. and it sucks. and it hurts more and more every day. but hes happy. why can't i be okay with that? why does it have to be this painful? i've never been good at starting over, and now thats what i have to do. i thought he was the beginning of the rest of my life, and i was wrong. why cant i just accept that? why cant i just move on with my life? every day it gets harder to push myself out of bed, knowing hes not part of my life anymore every day it gets lonelier, every day i feel more broken. why does it seem like there's no one else in the world for me? why does it seem like i dont even get noticed, looked at, acknowledged? why am i so convinced that since i ruined everything with him, the love of my life, that i shouldnt even bother trying because ill just ruin it with everyone else, too? why am i so convinced that if i wasnt good enough for him, ill never be good enough for anyone? it's scary to think that youre going to spend your life alone. but it looks like thats where it's headed. someone help, please. 1 comment|post comment

[18 Nov 2008|01:12am] Will someone please tell me why I'm not good enough? Will someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong?? Take the pain out of love, and the love won't exist. post comment

[16 Nov 2008|07:14pm] I think i want to start using this bad boy again. post comment

[05 Nov 2008|01:39pm] And she can't understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends. post comment

[12 Jun 2008|10:18pm] This is my horoscope for today. The Eight of Wands card reversed suggests that your current 'I can't do this anymore' attitude could be based on premature assumptions or desperation as everything seems to be coming down around your head at once. Secrets could be revealed and suspicions confirmed, or else a romance or infatuation may be going nowhere fast. In an effort to find out where you stand, you could try to force the issue and go too far. Don't threaten your lover with ultimatums, otherwise things could get ugly. Never, NEVER in my life has a horoscope been more dead-on. I literally got goosebumps. post comment

[11 Jun 2008|12:56pm] I really hate the way everything is right now. I wish that was an understatement. Someone give me a reason to keep going. post comment

[06 May 2008|01:51am] Life is funny sometimes. Like, not haha funny. Funny like you just get kicked in the face when you're at your lowest. Like when you put up with someones bullshit, being lied to and having shit go on behind your back, and stick with it through everything, no matter what. Then get broken up with for loving too much. Then get accused of lying for being friends with people while you're single. Meanwhile, the entire time (even after you got dumped three times) you'd still give them a leg if they asked for it. Yeah, it's really funny. I don't understand why the asshole card is being played all of a sudden. But if that's how it's going to be, then so be it. Sucks how much people change. post comment

[21 Apr 2008|02:07am] I think one of the most painful things ever is changing your facebook status from "in a relationship" to "single". In order to confirm the change, Facebook asks you if you want to "cancel" the relationship. How can you put it like that? For the last year, two months, and five days of my life, this relationship has been my entire WORLD. I've based every decision around it, I've done everything I could to keep it going, I've invested so much time and energy and patience in it. No, I don't want to cancel it. Just because it's over doesn't mean it never happened. I wish my life would end. 1 comment|post comment

[08 Jan 2008|01:19am] I'm already failing at all of my New Year's resolutions. It's been a week.... That's pathetic. I hate how insecure I am. 1 comment|post comment

[06 Jan 2008|02:23am] I'm not sure anymore. New Year's Eve, for the most part, was excellent, minus the fighting. But that's expected these days, there's no getting around it. Tonight, as well, was awesome; I was with most of the people I was with on New Years, and if you combine everyone I was with tonight with everyone I was with on New Years and add Danni to the equation, you have everyone I want/need in my life. But I'm still not happy. I know I said I was going to try to be, but I'm not. I'm so sick of the arguing, the fighting, the accusing, the lack of trusting, the feeling bad about everything. I'm sick of the insecurities and the negative thoughts. I'm sick of the bad moods and the negativity. I'm sick of everything. Almost a year ago this whole thing was starting. And in that year, I've gone from having the best relationship of my entire life to having something that feels like there's not even anything there to hold on to anymore. I remember back in the day, when we first started talking, we were just wicked spontaneous; I'd get calls at 8 in the morning on a Sunday with a breakfast invitation, we'd go all the way up the highway at 9:30 at night just for hot chocolate from Starbucks, we'd spend Saturday nights browsing through Barnes and Noble. And there was nothing wrong with that. Now, though, everything seems so forced. We never go out and do anything anymore. Never go out to breakfast, never out to dinner, never to Boston, never anywhere. And lately it seems like he doesn't even want to be around me... like I'm not really so important to him anymore. And in the consideration of recent fights and situations that came up... I don't really know how to take that. Our one year anniversary is in one month and one week. I wonder if we'll make it. 1 comment|post comment

[01 Jan 2008|04:56pm] Well, it's the end of the year. The last day of 2007. I don't even really know what to say. I feel like this entire year was just a big jumble, nothing really sticks out. I was at breakfast this morning with Matt, Toria, Jason, and Sarah Ped and we were talking about the year, and I only mentioned that nothing had really happened. Then they reminded me that we graduated. That never even really came to mind. As much as I say nothing happened, though, a lot actually did. I went away for the first time without any parents, on a ski trip to New Hampshire. I fell out of love, and I fell in love. For the first time in my life, I was in an actual relationship. I graduated high school, I got in to college. I went camping for the first time, which changed my entire perspective on how I feel about being outside. I got straight A's for my first semester of college. I met some of the most amazing people I have ever known, and I'm so glad to be able to see them and hang out with them every few weeks, even though I'd like to get to do it more often. This year, I think, was a successful year, even though I didn't enjoy it too much. Next year, though, I want to change. I say that every year, but this year I'm really going to try. I want to write more, and not only when I'm miserable and I feel like I'm going to burst. I want to find some new hobbies, something to keep me occupied when I'm home and not at work. I want to do just as well for my second semester as I did for my first semester. I want to be healthy, which includes eating right (and eating enough) and getting exercise. I want to be less negative, more friendly. I want to stop basing my self-worth on my appearance and start focusing more on how I am as a person. And I want to stop settling for what's available and start reaching higher. I want this upcoming year to be excellent, and I think the fact that I'm starting it on a good foot will help a lot. For the first time, basically ever, I have something great to do on New Year's. I get to spend the night just how I like it, with all of my favorite people, and just them. No other random people that will cause fights between my boyfriend and I, no one who isn't important. And with a champagne toast at midnight and my boyfriend to kiss, I'm starting things off the way I always wanted to. So here's to 2008, hopefully I'll have a lot to look forward to. post comment

[29 Oct 2007|11:32pm] oh that ellen (11:22:35 PM): footballs lame Sfreardon11 (11:23:17 PM): your face is lame oh that ellen (11:23:08 PM): i agree Sfreardon11 (11:31:41 PM): I ignore you. I deem you the princess of absurdity That's all. post comment

[20 Oct 2007|11:21am] I'm falling apart. post comment

[29 Sep 2007|08:46pm] I REALLY wish I had social skills. 1 comment|post comment

[23 Sep 2007|05:58pm] School is going well. I love it here beyond words. I wish I had better social skills so I could actually make friends. I have terrible separation anxiety from my boyfriend and I hate it. I have seen him every weekend so far which helps a lot, but still. A lot of things have been bothering me for the past couple of days. I realized a lot and I want it all to go away. I hate my past. I'm so stressed out with school, but being here is great. Being away from there is great. "Being noticed is ordinary, fleeting, and impersonal. Being seen is extraordinary, lasting, and intimate. Being noticed is common and only skin-deep. Being seen is rare and profound. It is what happens when you stay up all night talking in a stranger's car because the conversation is so good you forget to reach for the door handle. Suddenly it is dusk outside and your stomach is growling and your future feels as if it is laid out in front of you like a highway in the desert. Being seen is when your boyfriend knows that the horseshoe scar on your knee is from when you fell in the gravel of the playground in fourth grade playing flag football, and he adores it. Being seen is a hand on the small of your back as you walk through a doorway, a glass of water when you are coughing in the middle of the night, his making a passing reference to something you said so long ago you barely remember it. Being seen is when your girlfriend asks, "Why do you seem sad?" before you have realized that you are, indeed, sad. Being seen is rarely about physical beauty. Being seen is never about being buff or thin." - Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters post comment

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